What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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