no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
