Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
