Need sex. Gaining weight.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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