i just sent this text using only my big toe
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
