You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
