Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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