I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
