he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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