I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
