You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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