it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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