I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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