if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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