wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
