I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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