u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Randomize
