At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize