he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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