Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
