I hate your face
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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