You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
