I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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