i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
