Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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