My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize