Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
