Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
