dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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