I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
