just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
