Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
