Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
