So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize