This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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