Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
