There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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