God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
