He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Randomize
