my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
