I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
