it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
