no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
