there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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