I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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