me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
