Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
