I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
