yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
