I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
