He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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