right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
