Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
