I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
be right there i have to get my cape
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Randomize