Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
