I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
