I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
