all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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