i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
