Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
